I sleep in a room I share with another inmate who always turns the volume of the TV up, whereas I always tell him to turn the volume down. This struggle repeats itself every day. In the last week the volume of the TV bothered me less, so I felt no need to ask my fellow inmate to lower the volume.
During meditation I can see a clearer picture, and can correctly and clearly understand what I am feeling. I’m someone who has suffered a great deal in his life…from those closest to him. When I was a child, I didn’t have the courage to respond to them. When I grew up, the moment I was with certain people and felt that they wanted to hurt me, I would erupt and see them in the image of the people who hurt me, without thinking about whether they were really my problem or not.
Today when the officer on duty walked in during meditation and made a lot of noise, it agitated me. In the past I would have reacted immediately, done something, expressed my agitation. Today I continued to sit, and half a minute later he went out and I could return to my stillness. At the moment, there is no agitation…it ended a long time ago. I really love this group. It helps me be calm, patient, relaxed, and to examine things.
This meditation that pulls me together to focus on myself, sometimes helps me concentrate and sometimes doesn’t. When I concentrate, it feels good, it puts me in touch with my reality, and connects me to the people I love. This is the first time I’ve participated in such a group. On a personal level, it’s good for me. Anyone who joins such a group – it’s an opportunity (for them). I belong to a meditation group. I never experienced this or had a clue what it was.
Today, after participating for a few months, I feel a change in me: patience, tranquility. I am very calm, and I succeed in doing things I wasn’t capable of before. Nowadays I meditate every morning and feel good. I pray that more folks will join groups of this kind. I only wish that I will be able to influence someone else, I only wish that I will continue to feel so good.
Since I began attending the meetings, I’ve been practicing on my own. In bed, before falling asleep, during the day when I’m in the vegetable garden, when I have free time. I’ve learned that introspection is possible. It can be implemented; you only have to want to. Putting one’s thoughts in order brings peace of mind. The relaxation that my body experiences together with the control of my mental faculties and the rhythmical breathing. All of this has become an integral part of my life here in prison. It’s excellent to de-clutter (the mind) of trivial things.
I’d like to note that many times when I was upset, depressed, conflicted, or agitated, I knew how to let go. I knew how to stop, relax, regulate my breathing, and inhale air and oxygen. I felt myself expanding. I banished every pestering thought. I concentrated on the here and now. I know how to emerge transformed. Calm, tranquil, level-headed, reflective. Yes, I’m learning to love myself. I understand that regret that I had landed at this particular state is the right thing. It’s a recognition of the negative things inside me. I asked myself for forgiveness because, in fact, my body is not mine. I sent a vibration into my inner child, into myself. Saying ‘thank you’ – this is an obligatory phrase . Like a signature stamp at the end of a process. It’s like declaring that I will go back to this process and use it over and over again. Because it can’t be taken for granted, so ‘thank you’ is a small phrase of appreciation for what I have taken upon myself. To change. Indeed, it is happening.